Disinterested with life again

I might have the chance to get a regular job and make some money for once in my life. This could be the start of something. I don't want it. Once again, I've found a way to hate everything in life that could offer me stability and security. This isn't healthy and this isn't normal. I suppose this is going to be a continuing theme for the rest of my life. I know of nothing that can change my mind.

If God himself came to me and offered me into his kingdom, I'd probably turn it down. I'd find another way to destroy it and myself. I'm going to give it a shot. I don't know how long I'll last, but I'll try it. Somewhere down the line I'll become disinterested and disillusioned and decide it was a waste of time for me, the scary thing is, I don't know what WON'T be a waste of time for me in my life.