New book, same look.

I've decided to make a book compiled from the "milestone" of reaching 30.  Physically, I know, we all know, our prime is gone, but mentally I feel as though I'm starting to peak and I'm able to have a more direct thought pattern that for once isn't lost in post college real world bullshit.

It's going to be a fictional tale about 30-somethings that have refused to grow up in a world where youth is still king.  Be it the characters have children, have high paying jobs, live with parents, etc., I want it to speak about the times and conditions people are facing now that we are past our twenties and into the times when we're supposed to have responsibilities and raise our own families.

I'm calling it, The 30, same as the blog.  I'll probably have more than a few New Order inspired lyrics to through in there since it the band has had such a positive effect on my writings lately.

Early Midlife Crisis?

To say things have changed in my life in the last 3 months would be an understatement.  For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm in control of my destiny.  I don't know what it was that shook me out of this depression, but I can safely say I'm happy with "me" for once in my life.

Saying midlife crisis is a bit deceptive.  Hitting my 30s woke me up.  I was faced with a plethora of questions that I believed I would've found the answers to by now:

Am I ever going to love someone?

Will I find my "dream job"?

Who am I?

Am I on the road to meeting my goals?

Then I realized, you have to enjoy the ride.  Life is too short to worry.  I can't sit there and blame my environment for how I ended up.  I had to look at myself and realize what I needed to do most in the world is love who am, believe in myself, be passionate . . . everything will fall into place afterwards.

It already has and I've felt my quality of life has already improved, even if people around me try to break that down and complain about how we're heading down a Road to Ruin.  Yes!  Being happy helps fuel my creativity.  Forget that stereotypical depressed artist (Ian Curtis) who's near suicide writing about his feelings and the unjust world around him.  Yes, forget it!  Make you're own world and people will sooner or later abide by it's design.

I might be crazy.  There's nothing more dangerous than knowing what you want.

When it rains . . .

To add to my misery of 3 companies passing on me on the job front, my father ends up going to the hospital out of nowhere. Here I am debating if I should move back to Michigan and things keep happening to ensure I go nowhere else. I think I might pack up my stuff and get the fuck out.

There's really no reason to stay here anymore and I know my family needs me right now.

Myspace Repost 3/9/07: Addicted . . .

[re: I thought it'd be wise to move my blog from myspace to here, so here's a post I did back in March]

I never entertained the thought that I have an addiction. I kicked the smokes aside 4 years ago. I barely drink and if I take vicoden 2 days in a row, I consider checking myself into an institution. But alas, I sat around on my day off wondering where the last few years went. The only thing I could think of was: the internet.

Yes, I've wasted more than 4 years sitting in front of the computer. Be it to download new games, music, look up my favorite band, or even "harmless" things like look for jobs. I say wasted because many of the things I did led me to nothing. I figured if I would have stuck to the path I was following out of college, I might have written the great American novel or made some strides in a career I'd be happy with, hell, found the cure for cancer. I used to be a lot more creative with my free time.

Instead, I'm wondering if it's possible to get cancer from the light that emits from the computer monitor. I kind of miss dial-up. At least, it was so painfuil to surf that I'd look at something and get bored of it trying to load and do something else or fall asleep.

Well, I guess I need to find a balance and perhaps something else to do. It's pretty anti-social.

Hello, my name is Ray, and I'm addicted to the internet.


P.S. yes, I realize the irony of posting this blog post, but like I said, "balance".

Disinterested with life again

I might have the chance to get a regular job and make some money for once in my life. This could be the start of something. I don't want it. Once again, I've found a way to hate everything in life that could offer me stability and security. This isn't healthy and this isn't normal. I suppose this is going to be a continuing theme for the rest of my life. I know of nothing that can change my mind.

If God himself came to me and offered me into his kingdom, I'd probably turn it down. I'd find another way to destroy it and myself. I'm going to give it a shot. I don't know how long I'll last, but I'll try it. Somewhere down the line I'll become disinterested and disillusioned and decide it was a waste of time for me, the scary thing is, I don't know what WON'T be a waste of time for me in my life.

I'm in Temp Hell, but I'm not jobless

I have a job! (yay!) But it's a temp job (nay). It's not so bad though. I have a 2nd interview lined up with Enterprise, so hopefully that'll come through and I won't have to do these kinds of things to make ends meat.

Another Week and I'm still jobless

As the title states. I'm not really that worried. I have a temp job lined up and I'm still heavily considering a move to NYC. I don't know if much will change if I decide to pack my stuff up and go, being that tactic didn't work for me here. It seems as though things tend not to work for me anyway, but it's still worth a shot.

I guess that optimistic teenager in my never died like I thought he did. He was a young man of high hopes and big dreams, when the world around him changed, the young man died a slow and arguably sad death. Like anyone that dies, pieces of him or her continues to exist in all of us.

New Order

I've really been digging New Order's discography. I probably wouldn't have known how good this group were if it were not for Joy Division, which I didn't hear until the movie Donnie Darko was released. The movie influenced some of my tastes. I decided to call my blog Blue Monday, a tribute to one of the best songs created by modern man by the group New Order.

I think it's kind of ironic that the song is about the Falkland war and suffering, while becoming a dance anthem for the 80s rave culture. It serves as a metaphor for life, in suffering and pain,
we sort of become cold and numb to all around us after being exposed to the troubles of modern life and I believe we just "dance" our way out of it. "Dance" is subject to your definition. Not to be taken literally.

Their other hits are cryptic as well and usually end in a somber tone. Lately I've been listening to "Regret", which isn't about regretting life, but more about living life day-to-day and not having to turn back. It's the last few lines of the song that really make it special for me:

Just wait till tomorrow
I guess that's what they all say
Just before they fall apart

. . . and with that I leave you with my first blog entry and the full song.