Where do I go from here?

I've always felt as though I was supposed to come to New York. I'm not sure if I believe in fate or not, but I always felt this is where I'm supposed to be in life. Some may call it fate, others may call it a subconsciously conceived ambition.

I'm at the break room at work one day and this co-worker of mine starts talking about their messed up life. He was spilling out his life, goals, and current hindrances. He kept talking about locations in Brooklyn and asked me a question and I answered:

"I have no idea, I'm from Michigan."

"What are you doing here?"

By the tone of his voice, he seemed more bewildered by my choice to come here rather than an expression of enthusiastic curiosity.

To the world, New York is everything. Whether people want to admit it or not, New York symbolizes so much to so many people that the mere mention of the city to outsiders immediately brings to mind, "THE CITY," The International Capital of the World. The place where everyone is no one and people that are "someone" are nothing amongst everyone else. The American Dream. I carefully recollected my thoughts and the only thing I could was:

"I haven't figured that out yet . . . "

I left it at that. Talked some more (off topic) and went about my day in a blank stare. The same blank stare my face has when I look at my computer monitor at 4 am in the morning. The same look I have when I try to ignore the fact that everyone is in a mild panic over the economy. The same look when we all try to forget that America has been in wartime now for far too long. For better or worse, there's been a change.

I'd like to believe 9/11 made people here lose hope and optimism for THEIR city, but I don't know if that's the case. It's a life of uncertainty that continues to follow me and everyone else around me. We have our thoughts, our memories, our past, and it makes us. Is my life so dismal that getting a job straight job working 9-to-5 is all I can aspire for?

I think of the happiest moments in my life and wonder, "Can I go back?" I'm not sure if I would if I could. I'm thankful for what my life is but I don't understand the mechanism that drives me.

I can't go back, that's one thing that I do know for certain.