Part II

A part II in my life here is in order.

I had previously given the title of "part II" to a previous blog, but I was mistaken.

This is a midway point for me. I've been here for a little while now. I guess NY isn't new to me anymore. I'd love to walk into work and quit tomorrow, but I can't.

WHY CAN'T YOU?

How will I survive? How will I pay my bills? What will I do?

YOU'VE GOT BY JUST FINE SO FAR.

My subconscious is right. Now I'm not crazy and there's no way I'm going to quit my current job . . . at least not without finding a new job. It's not the act of being jobless that bothers me, it's my fear. Why do I begin to crumble when I'm faced with fear.

And why? Fucking WHY! Did I have let myself get like this when I came here with such hope and confidence? I'm not feeling like all is lost. I spoke with a wise man of 24 years of age. I asked him, "When do you call it quits on your dreams and start settling on the life you have?"

"Never."

"What if it doesn't work out for you, ever?"

"I'll be trying even when I'm 80."

"What if I told you that you have terminal cancer?"

"Then that's when I'd start enjoying life."

It's not that life he has isn't being enjoyed right now, it's just that there's no reason to put out the fire that's in you until it starts to fade away. Everyone fears being average. Everyone wants to be special. I don't know if it's human nature but I feel it's a sentiment commonly shared among the most revered, the most spited, and the most hated, even your neighbor, their kids, your family, etc.

Truth is, only a few of us end up being extraordinary. We want to enjoy those small things that used to make us happy as children. When we were children we looked up at the stars, grasping a life we felt was within our reach. I'm not sure if I ever want to let my dreams die, but I shouldn't ever give up.

I wonder if one day when I wake up and look in the mirror, that the man looking back at me isn't one filled with regrets, wondering if his life was fruitless in the pursuit of his dreams, feeling robbed of his youth with his gray, balding hair looking right back at him; Eyes weary from sleepless nights of tossing and turning in the midst of feelings of uncertainty. Fearing nothing but yourself. Fearing nothing more than a life of being average and never living your dreams.

I want to enjoy my life by living my dreams . . . that's something that will always be mine.

IT'S JUST BEGUN.